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Speedwell: My Life is a Series of Vacations (EP)
Im not really sure why anyone in this day and age would choose to be in an emo band. Mr. Cynical Music Critic me says that it sure as hell isnt a pure love of the music. Emo isnt the kind of music you fight for or believe in anymore; its devolved into the use of insipid, androgynous signifiers of lovelorn sensitivity. Pitiful, whiny, oh, why me? wheezings and acoustic guitars, yeah, thats real punk rock. Sure, relationships can be painful sometimes, but most emo bands subtract all of the angst and anger from the situation, leaving only mindless, gutless weeping. And I hope no one would form an emo band for the money and fame, because that train has left the station. At this point, even the most clueless record executives have turned their attentions to nu-garage bands and electro-punk hybrids. The impetus behind these musings is Speedwell. They are an emo band. Oh sure, they would probably tell you that they are an indie pop band, or just rocknroll, you know? or something else equally bland and meaningless. But when youve got lyrics like I need a kiss, and your press kit compares you to the Promise Ring and the Get-Up Kids, youre an emo band. The frustrating thing is that occasionally, Speedwell threatens to do something slightly interesting. This Is Us opens with what sounds like a keyboard running through a tremolo pedal, creating an intriguingly creepy/jazzy atmosphere, before returning to the same old bullshit. Two Conquests is the acoustic ballad. It sounds like Speedwell tried to make an entire song out of the intro to Karma Police, so you can skip that one. And although the opening track, Calling on Columbia Pike, has some of the worst lyrics on the EP, it is catchy and upbeat. This is the track that could have been used in a Freddie Prinze, Jr. movie about five years ago, if only Speedwell had been quicker to cash in. Unfortunately, this song and Your Atlantic are both sung in the standard Get this guy a Kleenex emo voice congested and clogged. This cant possibly be the singers natural singing voice, unless he has perpetual allergy problems or something. Or maybe the idea is for him to sound like hes been crying all night. Thats pretty emo. Its also pretty annoying. So why would the members of Speedwell decide to form an emo band? I believe the answer, like it is in most aspects of life, is sex. They think they are going to get chicks with this sensitive guy act, which of course, most women are too smart to fall for. Its boring. But someone has to make a sacrifice. So Im begging you, ladies: please have sex with this band. You might have to put up with tear-stained sheets and heartfelt odes to your spiritual beauty at first, but hopefully, eventually, Speedwell will lose interest and start to write songs about more interesting things. Like cars. And then everyones a winner.
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